


from the city ruins

by teruhvighnen



Series: the drug, the dark, the light, the flame [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Breaking Up & Making Up, Childhood, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kid Fic, M/M, Recovery, Rehabilitation, Stars/Constellations, Therapy, Thor and Bucky Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-02-29 22:57:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18787966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teruhvighnen/pseuds/teruhvighnen
Summary: Bucky thinks his story, war stories don't have happy endings. Perhaps the hallmark of love stories is their happy endings.





	1. bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, so, like....  
> spoiler alert: there's no stucky interaction...in this chapter, at least...

_“War stories don’t have happy endings.”_ Bucky mutters. He’s not looking at his therapist. He’s looking at the carpet.

Bucky’s therapist is a Viking. Maybe. Bucky can neither deny nor confirm though. Thor Odinson doesn’t look like a therapist; he’s big and burly and reminds Bucky of a surfing legend. He’s got long blond hair and braids in them. Thor is Bucky’s fourth try at a therapist, but so far, Thor is helping Bucky in a way the others couldn’t.

Bucky continues, “War stories don’t get happy endings. No one really wins wars. No one comes out of war innocent, without blood on their hands. I killed people. I still want to go back and kill the people who did this to me, to Nat’s team. I don’t know. I can’t—” The words die in his mouth.

Thor stands up, and Bucky doesn’t know if that’s to incite his attention, but Bucky looks up from where his gaze is burning a hole in the carpet and watches Thor walk over to his desk, pick up a picture frame and come back. He hands the picture frame to Bucky. In the photograph, Bucky recognizes Thor. His hair is shorter, the ends hanging just above his shoulders. He’s smiling from ear to ear. Thor looks younger, brighter. Bucky can recognize the youth in him; he sees it in old photos of himself. _Before._ That’s what Bucky calls it: _before (before the war, before the capture, the torture, the nightmares, before the war ravaged him)._

Bucky trusts Thor the way he can’t trust other kinds of therapists. Thor _knows_ loss. Beyond empathy, Thor can understand what Bucky has gone through.

“They’re dead.” _His mother, his father, his brother, his best friend._ “All of them,” Thor says.

“How long?”

“Five years.”

“Does the pain ever stop?”

“People say that pain is a part of life. But you know what else is part of life? Healing. And it’s not a cut-and-dry process. We rise and we fall many times, that’s okay, that’s just being human. You say war stories don’t get happy endings?” Bucky nods.

Thor looks at him, really looks at him, with a small smile on his face. “What if we change the narrative?”

“What do you mean?”

“If war stories don’t get happy endings, then let’s not keep it a war story. Maybe it’s not a war story. Maybe it’s a love story. You loved your country, and you served. You loved your people, and you sacrificed for them. You loved your family, and you left them so that you can go and be better for them.

“You look like a man who knows what love is, profoundly and deeply.”

Bucky thinks of Steve. Steve as a boy, as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a best friend. He has loved Steve in every way a person can love another.

“Grief and guilt and vengeance. They can be all-consuming. If you let them. But, Bucky,” Thor pauses, reaching for his picture frame, and staring at it. Bucky can see Thor’s eyes soften, the way his breath hitches, and then the soft release of a calmness. “Grief, guilt, vengeance. They’re nothing compared to love. People often conflate love with its sexual attributes, with the transparent declaration of ‘I love you’ and then stop there. It’s more than that.” Thor looks at the clock, and Bucky knows his time is up for today. Thor stands up.

“Maybe that’s something to think about, huh?”

* * *

When Bucky thinks about love, the very first thing he sees in his mind is Steve Rogers. He has loved no one and nothing else as long as he’s loved Steve Rogers.

* * *

Bucky stops drinking and taking medication that he doesn’t really need. He goes to physical therapy and turns down a prosthetic. He makes bounds and leaps at rehab with Thor’s help. In between tours, Bucky had been minimally researching astronomy, and he tells Thor that he wants to go back to that or something like that. For now, he’s enrolled in night classes at the local community college, taking an Earth and Atmospheric Sciences course and an Introduction to Physics course. Bucky’s not bad at math. _(“He’s too modest”, Steve would say when they were younger, “Bucky’s a genius._ ”) Okay, so math comes easily for Bucky; among other things, it’s what made him such a damn good sniper. He enjoys school; he enjoys learning. Bucky has to ask for special accommodations; he simply cannot keep up with only having the one arm. His professor is an angel of a woman. Dr. Foster tells him that she will send out an email looking for anyone who is willing to share their notes with Bucky. By the next class, she has introduced him to a young man named Peter. Peter is so, so young. ( _“Trying to get ahead of the pack,” Peter explains. “College credits never hurt.”_ ) Peter gladly shares his notes with Bucky and in return, Bucky lets Peter use him as a guinea pig for his prosthetic project.

Peter tells him that he notices that Bucky doesn’t wear a prosthetic. Peter also insists that he just wants to see if it works. Peter doesn’t force Bucky into wearing it outside of the times where he has to test them, and Bucky appreciates that more than anything.

“Thanks, Parker.”

“Uh, no problem, Mr. Barnes, sir.”

“You can just call me Bucky.”

“Uh, okay, sorry, Bucky, sir.”

Bucky laughs as Peter takes off the robotic arm from where he’d attached it to Bucky’s shoulder. _This kid is gonna go places_ , Bucky thinks. Peter’s prototype is unlike anything Bucky’s ever seen, not that he wants to use it or anything, Bucky’s perfectly fine without an arm. But he knows other vets who would kill for their limbs again, for that motor control again, for the feeling of being complete again. Bucky makes a mental note to introduce Peter to some of the vets down at the VA.

When he’s not busy with schoolwork, Bucky gets a part-time job at the local library; it doesn’t pay much but his school is paid for by the military so it’s not like he needs a lot. He has enough to send Steve some money for the boys, and to buy gifts for Elijah and David on special occasions.

He tries not to think too hard about Steve, about the way he left Steve, the heartbreak on Steve’s face.

It’s been two years.

When Bucky comes home from his Wednesday Physics night class, his phone pings with a reminder. _Long Weekend @ Erskine-Wilsons_. Bucky still has an appointment with Thor in the morning, and an EAS class at night, so he decides that the only time he can pack his stuff is on Friday morning.

Bucky texts Sam that he won’t be able to come as early, but he is definitely going to be there. _Are you trying to be fashionably late?_ Sam texts back, jokingly. Bucky doesn’t deign that with a response. He’ll leave Sam on read just for fun.

* * *

“I’m going to see Steve and the boys for the first time in two years tomorrow.”

Bucky’s good at details; he notices how much Thor wants to remain neutral in his expressions but the minutest of emotions always show. Thor’s eyes are bright; he is happy for Bucky. Bucky is…he’s happy too.

“And how does that make you feel?” Thor asks in a completely exaggerated stereotypical way.

Bucky chuckles. “I’m excited.”

“What if Steve has moved on?”

Bucky bites his lip. “If he’s happy, then I’m happy for him.”

“A diplomatic answer,” Thor says. He’s judging Bucky’s answer and doesn’t think it’s good enough. He poses the challenge and Bucky answers right back.

“Okay, how about…if I don’t feel as okay as I say I’m going to be, then I will go through my breathing exercises and sort out my thoughts. Figure out what I don’t like, why I don’t like it. Ask myself if it is best to remove myself from the situation. Prepare myself for feelings like jealousy and anger and think about what would happen if I let those consume me.”

Thor doesn’t even hide his grin. _Shield-brother,_ Thor calls him. He bids him goodbye with a special handshake that they both came up with. It seems kind of unprofessional, but it helps _a lot_. To know that Thor is a friend, a good friend. That Bucky can still make friends, that he can make new relationships with people despite everything that’s happened.

“Good luck, my friend.”

“See you soon.”

Thor laughs, “hopefully not as often.”

Bucky frowns. He hasn’t thought about that. One day he’s not going to need therapy as much as he does now. But he doesn’t want to stop seeing and talking to Thor.

“But, here is my personal number.” Thor gives him his business card with a number on the back written in ink, not like his professional number that is embossed on the front of the card.

“If you need a friend, I’m here.”

Bucky smiles. _Fuck._ He feels good.

* * *

Bucky takes the bus from Manhattan to the Erskine-Wilsons’ place.

It doesn’t stop right by their house, so he has to walk about a quarter of a mile from the bus stop to the house. He doesn’t mind. It’s a beautiful day out.

Bucky recognizes Steve’s car in the driveway. He takes a deep breath and then releases it.

The front door is open when he gets there. He makes his way to the backyard with his bag and smiles at all the faces looking at him. _Home._

He gets tackled by David and America and Elijah and Monica and Falcon and Sarge. It feels great to have them in his arms even as they’re shrieking in his ears. He kisses David’s head and pulls Elijah near. Elijah starts crying on him and Bucky can’t help but to cry too. He’s missed two years of their lives and he simply refuses to miss anymore.

“You’re here, _Tată_ ” Elijah says, like he’s awe-struck. Bucky pulls him in closer.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been, pal. But I missed you so much. And you, Davie.”

“Me too?”

“Yes, of course, Miss America.”

He misses the hell out of them. Sam and Riley’s family welcomes him so warmly that Bucky cannot be faulted for the tears that fall from his eyes. Mama Wilson’s hands cup his cheeks and they’re warm and it feels like Bucky’s been stuck in a frozen tundra all this time. She melts him with her love. _I’m proud of you,_ she says. Bucky’s real mother –the last thing she’d said to him was _Please, Bucky, just go_ because his step-father had cussed him out over who he was, and whom he loved. _Filthy. Disgrace. Mistake._

Mama Wilson’s words simultaneously bring up those memories and dismiss them too. _They’re not true, so they don’t mean anything._ There are better, truer things than that. Things that matter.

“Mama,” Bucky says, “thank you.”

“Don’t thank me until you’ve eaten the food. So that you’re content and full and more likely to tell the truth.” Bucky laughs. It’s a miniscule movement but Bucky notices when she side-eyes Steve who is with Sam at the grill. _The truth._ She doesn’t want any truth from him, but she damn sure knows who deserves the truth from Bucky.

* * *

Bucky is absolutely swamped with entertaining the kids that he almost misses the fact that Steve is not here alone. There’s this woman with blonde hair that he’s sitting comfortably cozy with. Steve holds her hand and kisses her cheek. She must be his new girlfriend.

He does what he promises Thor he would do. Think. Evaluate. Re-evaluate. Act.

Bucky decides not to make a decision about Steve and his new girlfriend without first talking to her.

In the end, as all good things tend to happen, Bucky officially meets Sharon Carter (niece of the illustrious Peggy Carter) under the twinkling stars shining through the infinite darkness of the night sky. _It is written._

Sharon is witty and funny, and he can see why Steve likes her. She isn’t afraid to say what she thinks.

She tells him to talk about Natasha. He does.

Bucky keeps watching the sky afterwards. He has exhausted all his knowledge of Natasha to Sharon. So they sit in companionable silence.

He squints his eyes and then smiles. He stands up, making sure the dogs aren’t disturbed. He holds out his hand to Sharon and she lets him lead her to the middle of the backyard so she can see the stars without the pergola in the way. He points towards a specific spot in the sky.

“Ursa minor,” she says. Bucky nods, grinning. Sharon blushes. “Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.”

“That’s fine. The brightest star in its constellation is called Polaris.”

“The North Star,” Sharon whispers.

Bucky grins again at her. “See, you know way more than you think.”

He continues, “Polaris is called the North Star because it lies almost directly in line with Earth’s rotation axis. That just means it’s almost exactly above the North Pole. That’s why it’s important to navigators, to explorers, to way finders, because –”

“It never moves; it’s a constant.”

Bucky nods, “exactly.”

Bucky knows the stars, has been fascinated with the sky since he was young. Before his father died, he had shown Bucky the North Star. _In Vietnam, once, I saw the stars so clearly it made me cry. For just one moment, that one moment, I was at peace. Polaris, they call it the North Star. Once you know where the North Star is, you will never be truly lost._

“Steve is –” Bucky starts to say, and then Sharon finishes it for him, “—your North Star.”

He smiles at her, “you were right. I should’ve given him the choice. But that’s why I had to leave. I was making decisions muddled by fear rather than reason, and they were probably the wrong decisions to make. I can only make new, better decisions now with the right guidance.”

_The North Star. The Guiding Star._

“The thing about the North Star is that isn’t not just one star. Polaris is a multiple star system.”

_When your dad died, and your mom re-married, you told me you had never felt as alone as you were right then. I’m telling you now. You are not alone; you will never be alone. I won’t let you feel alone. I love you, with all my heart, with all the magnitude of the stars above. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, Buck._

_Congratulations, you punks! Bucky! Welcome to the family!_

_Bucky, I think you were part of this family long before today. I’m happy to call you my son-in-law._

_James, it’s you and me, okay. I got your six. I’ll see you on the other side._

_Us sons-in-law, we gotta stick together, man._

_My shield-brother. You’re gonna be just fine; I can see it. You’re but a tiny speck in the vast universe, and you’re gonna be okay._

_Tata, we love you the universe, too._

“I get it,” Sharon says. “I’ll help you with Steve. But we’re gonna have fun about it.” She confidently extends her pinky finger towards him ( _she looks like part of the family already)._

“Deal.” Bucky hooks his pinky finger to hers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but like my mans bucky and my mans thor tho. i wanted the friendship i deserve and the mcu deprived me of.  
> also if anything is confusing or whatever to anyone, feel free to ask


	2. steve

**from Bucky** _the dog farted it’s so bad I can’t breathe_

 **from Bucky** _steve save me!_

 **to Bucky** _I like you…a lot…like I love you I like you. I’m sorry._

Steve throws his phone immediately to the other end of the couch as soon as he hits send. He throws it like it burns him and it might just fucking burn him. Steve knows it isn’t a very eloquent confession and it is definitely out of topic. Bucky was talking about his dog farting and Steve just tells him he loves him and apologizes for it _what the fuck…_

His phone comes alive again, the text tone alerting him to a new message. Steve doesn’t want to look at it. He thinks, _maybe it’s someone else texting,_ but that has no real bearing because Steve only texts three people at the most: Bucky, Riley, and their father. Steve doesn’t want to look at it, doesn’t want to see the rejection and especially not the pity. He doesn’t want to look at it but fuck if Steve doesn’t also dive for it the moment it pings. The phone is back in his hands, his finger is trembling as it presses the appropriate keys.

 **From Bucky** _I don’t know what made you say that_ (Steve grips the phone tighter, scared. He feels like an asthma attack is going to come on, but he keeps reading) _while I’m lamenting to you about dog farts and I’m sorry_ (Steve stops breathing and trains his face not to project any emotion, he doesn’t want the pity) _for not telling you sooner_ (Steve’s face is blank, devoid) _but I love you too. I don’t know what you’re apologizing for._

Steve keeps his face blank. Every inkling of fear and every drop of doubt vanish. He goes up the stairs calmly, feels like he’s floating. He shuts the door behind him when he gets in his room. Steve’s face breaks out in a smile because Bucky Barnes loves him too. _Holy Shit._

“Bucky Barnes fucking loves me!”

Steve laughs when he hears Riley from downstairs. Steve doesn’t want to think about if Riley never told him to do it, how far will Steve and Bucky go without knowing that they loved each other from fear of losing their friendship. Steve definitely owes Riley. He’ll make it up to him one day.

* * *

The bullying, Steve expects. The harsh words, the unforgiving looks. Everywhere he goes, where there are children his age and older, Steve is treated poorly. The first time, he bites his lip and walks away. It doesn’t work. The second time, he tells a teacher. It doesn’t work. The third time, and every time after that, Steve Rogers learns to put up his fists and then he learns which parts of his body he must protect. He learns to protect his head and his torso. His bullies learn to target his legs.

Bucky Barnes is taller and bigger and older than Steve; he has the makings of every bully Steve has ever seen hurt him. So Steve expects the worst. He is hiding underneath the slide, in the playground, and he can’t move his left leg. Every time he tries, the pain gets worse. One of the bullies had stepped on his ankle. He knows it is at least sprained and prays that it isn’t broken.

Bucky Barnes’ steely grey-blue eyes peer at him and then _and then_ , instead of a sneer or a smirk, Steve is met with the kindest, warmest smile he has ever seen from another kid. Like a ray of much-needed sunlight coming through stormy clouds.

“Steve Rogers, resident bad boy,” Bucky Barnes says with a cheeky grin. Steve scowls at him but he can’t find the energy nor the reason to keep the scowl on his face. Steve looks up at Bucky, this time with wide eyes. _Steve Rogers._

Everyone knows Bucky Barnes. He is popular with the girls; Steve always hears them whispering about Bucky, about how nice he was to them, lending school supplies and helping them with homework. He’s popular with the guys too, in gym class and outside of it. It’s not hard to know that the teachers adore him too. Apparently, he never gets in trouble for anything, not that he does anything worth getting in trouble for.

Everyone knows Bucky Barnes but Bucky, _Bucky knows Steve._

“You need help?” Bucky asks. Steve wants to tell him that Steve has it all figured out, that Bucky can leave so that his reputation isn’t marred by Steve’s presence. He wants to tell Bucky Barnes that it hurts so much, that he can’t walk, that he wants everyone to stop treating him this way, that he wants his mom to enroll him in another school, that he knows in his heart it will not make a difference if he moves.

Instead all he says is, “Yes,” meekly and almost in tears. All Bucky asks is which foot hurts and then he helps Steve up. He doesn’t ask who or why or when or how. Bucky simply squats in front of Steve and waits.

“C’mon,” Bucky says, so Steve puts his arms around Bucky’s neck and shoulders and his legs around Bucky’s waist. Bucky heaves him up, piggy-back style and begins walking. Steve feels bad but Bucky never lets him stew in that feeling. Bucky talks, _a lot._ Steve thinks it’s his way of keeping Steve in the present. It works. Bucky anchors Steve.

When Steve comes back to school after, all healed from the injury, Bucky is the first to greet him. Steve doesn’t really know what Bucky did or how or why, but from then on, no one ever calls Steve names or steals his stuff or hurts him again.

* * *

Steve is a light sleeper, so when he hears rocks being thrown at his window, he immediately gets up from his bed and opens it. It’s dark and he can barely see, but he would know Bucky anywhere. Steve closes his window and leaves his room to go downstairs and open the front door. Bucky comes in. The ballcap on his head hides nothing from Steve. Bucky’s face is battered. Steve’s heart breaks for him.

They don’t say anything to each other as Steve helps Bucky inside. He helps Bucky into his bathroom and tries to patch him up as good as he can. He gets an icepack for the bruises on Bucky’s face. He helps him into sleep clothes and gently cuddles him to sleep.

“Steven?” Abe’s voice floats into the bedroom and Steve extricates himself from Bucky’s embrace to go see what his father wants. Abe’s eyebrow is raised at him when he gets downstairs. Steve notices Bucky’s bag and shoes in the foyer; Steve hadn’t even thought to straighten them and bring Bucky’s bag up to his room last night. His only concern had been to help alleviate Bucky’s pain.

“Sorry,” Steve says as he goes and puts Bucky’s shoes in the coat closet. He heaves Bucky’s bag onto his shoulder.

“And how long will Mr. Barnes be staying?”

Steve shrugs and Abe lets it go with that patented smile of his, the one that says he doesn’t really approve of Steve’s shenanigans but he understands them. Steve goes back to his room with Bucky’s bag in hand.

Bucky says it’s not worth it. Bucky’s step-father has power that neither of them can fight.

“We graduate in two weeks, Steve. I’m out of here in two weeks. It won’t matter. _He_ won’t matter.”

Steve and Bucky’s fingers interlock.

“I love you,” Steve whispers and Bucky smiles despite everything. _Sunlight,_ Steve thinks, there is nothing more comforting than Bucky smiling at Steve, reassuring him that everything will be okay.

* * *

People think that because Bucky is more popular with everyone, more charming and confident, that he is the one who proposes. They’re wrong.

Steve proposes the day they graduate high school. Every inkling of fear and drop of doubt disappear when Bucky says yes.

* * *

Steve goes through a miracle growth. Like some sort of second puberty. He grows out of his asthma. He gets taller and gains weight and turns all most of the fat into muscle. He runs every morning, meets (beats) Sam and sets him up with Riley.

Steve paints. He fills his sketchbooks with drawings of Bucky, how he looked the day they graduated, the day he left for basic, how he looked when they were kids, when they were teenagers. He imagines Bucky donning the uniform of an officer and draws him like that.

“I thought you were smaller,” Bucky says when he sees Steve again. Steve asks if it bothers him, but Bucky just laughs at the absurdity of Steve’s question. _I love you, all of you, however you look._

Bucky graduates basic training, and they get married. Steve asks Riley to be his best man, and Bucky asks Natasha. Steve feels giddy, nothing else matters right now. He’s standing in front of the love of his life, ready to promise him his unending unconditional love.

Steve says, _“_ _When your dad died, and your mom re-married, you told me you had never felt as alone as you were right then.”_

 _Steve promises, “I’m telling you now. You are not alone; you will never be alone. I won’t let you feel alone. I love you, with all my heart, with all the magnitude of the stars above. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, Buck._ _”_

Bucky says, “That day I met you, you were hurt, and you were in pain and all I wanted to do was help you. I wanted to fight everyone who made you feel bad, who made you feel like you weren’t enough, like you weren’t worth anything.”

Bucky tells him, “But you were strong, I knew that, and you wouldn’t have appreciated me fighting your battles for you. You are strong, the strongest person I know. So I promised myself, if you were going to fight, I would be right there beside you. Wherever you go, whatever happens, I am with you. I love you.”

Bucky vows right back, “’Til the end of the line, Stevie.”

* * *

Steve prays for Bucky’s safe return and God answers in kind. Bucky comes home from his first tour unharmed. He comes back from his second tour as good as can be.

* * *

Natasha tells Steve about a little boy named Elijah. Steve has his reservations, of course. He doesn’t know how to take care of children. He isn’t ready. He doesn’t know what it is to be a father. But Natasha pleads, and Steve looks over at Bucky. Bucky anchors Steve. _I’m with you._

“Okay,” Steve says.

Elijah is the sweetest child and Steve feels like the luckiest person in the world. Not only does he get Bucky, but he also gets to take care of and raise and love Elijah. _Terrible Twos,_ Steve is aware of the phenomenon and Elijah is no different. He cries and throws tantrums and miraculously, Steve loves him even more for it. Elijah is three when Steve and Bucky sign the adoption papers, when they officially become Elijah’s parents. Steve’s heart is full.

Elijah’s first word is _Tata._ Steve and Bucky are on the living room floor watching Elijah walk when he turns and jumps into Bucky’s arms. _Tata,_ he says, and Bucky’s eyes fill with tears. Steve immortalizes this moment in his brain and then he draws it, over and over and over. The fine details of the moment never leave him. _Elijah’s chubby legs._ _Bucky’s mouth agape, awe-struck. Elijah’s smile, the twinkle in his eyes as he looks at his father. Bucky’s eyes, glistening with tears as he kisses Elijah’s cheeks._

Steve is in love with his family.

When Elijah turns four, Bucky asks him what his birthday wish is, and Elijah shakes his head.

“Not s’posed to say.”

Steve and Bucky chuckle. “This time, I think it’s okay.”

Elijah nods, “’Kay. Can we have a baby?”

Steve smiles at him, “You want a little sibling?”

“Brother,” Elijah specifies, and Bucky looks to Steve this time. _I’m with you._

* * *

Detective Jim Morita tells Steve about a foster home in which the children were being neglected. _You’re good people, you, Barnes, your brother,_ Jim tells Steve. Steve tells Riley about America who is one and a half. She is the only girl out of the seven children. She’s malnourished. No one else wants to take the chance. But Riley and Sam do.

Jim tells Steve about the baby. _His name is David._

He is so small, like America had been small. Premature and malnourished. Steve and Bucky take him home and they love him just as much as they love Elijah.

“Eli, this is David.”

“Hello, David. I love you.”

Steve cries and he doesn’t know what the tears are specifically for. Maybe it’s the whole thing. All the little things adding up to this. Bucky. Elijah. David. _It is written._

* * *

Natasha asks Bucky to help her. Steve knows Bucky will not say no; she is too important, and he is too giving. Steve doesn’t resent him for it. He can never resent Bucky for anything. Bucky Barnes and his heart of gold; Steve knows what he signed up for.

Bucky has a sleeping David in his arms the night before he has to ship out. And Elijah is curled up on Steve’s lap. Bucky is having a hard time with his words. Steve can see this, the way Bucky bites his lip, the way he keeps his eyes on David, the way he caresses David’s face with his finger. Bucky is trying to sear the image of his children in his mind. Bucky looks troubled. _The assignment is dangerous._

“If you don’t go, you might regret it,” Steve says, snapping Bucky out of his thoughts.

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“Leave me? You will never ever be apart from me.”

_Our souls are one. The sky and the sea on the horizon. Indistinguishable._

Bucky leaves with tears in his eyes and he kisses Steve with all the want and desire and fervor in the world. Steve kisses back, long and hard, like he wants Bucky to remember it every day he’s away.  

“Stevie,” Bucky says, _Stevie. Stevie. Stevie_ like a prayer. “Take care, okay. I love you. You’re my everything.”

Steve says it back and watches Bucky walk away. He holds onto Elijah and David like a lifeline. Watching Bucky go is never easy, it is never going to be easy.

* * *

Steve is so angry he can barely feel anything else. The anger swells and consumes him. How dare they conceal the fact that half of their team had been captured? How dare they not tell him then that Bucky was captured? That they didn’t know where he was being held? That it took them three months to rescue the team?

Natasha promised.

Clint holds him as he cries out, as he tries to lash out at the world.

“Steve, they’re bringing him home. He’s alive. He’s going to be okay.” Clint says all the positives that Steve’s brain has been pushing out in favor of his anger. Clint doesn’t say that Steve should stop crying, he doesn’t police his anger. He gives Steve a space to let his feelings out. Clint holds him until he stops of his own volition.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be. You’re entitled to your emotions.”

Bucky is thinner and he’s one arm down. But the rise and fall of his chest reminds Steve that Bucky is alive. Above all else, Bucky was saved and he’s home and he’s alive. Steve doesn’t let Natasha apologize for things she had no control over, for things that weren’t her fault. _Forgive her,_ he thinks to himself. _And then forgive yourself._

Steve reaches for Bucky’s right hand. Every inkling of fear, every drop of doubt, every vicious ounce of anger in him fade away as he watches Bucky. Steve remembers clearly and definitively the day Bucky Barnes carried him home on his back, and the feeling of love overflows within Steve, replacing the grief and the wrath.

Steve wipes away the tears in his eyes and smiles and starts talking to Bucky.

_“So…David suddenly decides to hate plums and Elijah, in solidarity, has banned plums from the house and I told him, but Tata loves plums and David immediately rescinds his dislike, he’s like, okay we gotta buy more for when Tata comes home–”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall they interacted
> 
> may 16: folks im going on a trip so..the last part will be delayed.


	3. steve and bucky

_“You and I. We are written, have been since the moment my soul found yours.”_

* * *

The thing that will always stay with Steve when he thinks back on it is how calm Bucky is. Steve is restless and desperate. He has his arms around Bucky’s neck, pulling Bucky’s body flush against him; he doesn’t want Bucky to go. Steve’s crying, his head nuzzled into the junction of Bucky’s neck and shoulders. He’s crying, pleading, sobbing, asking and asking and asking for Bucky not to go, for Bucky to stay. Steve is trembling. Bucky has his one good arm around Steve’s waist, pulling Steve into him with the same desperation and desire for closeness, but his words are betraying his actions. _Don’t go, don’t go. Stay, just stay. Please._ Steve begs, voice hoarse, crying. But Bucky is whispering back with sure words. _I gotta go, Stevie. I don’t know what’ll happen if I don’t go. I don’t want to hurt you. I wanna be better._ Steve wants him to get better too, but he doesn’t understand why Bucky needs to leave him, to leave them.

“I support you,” Steve says. “I’m with you ‘til the –

“Stevie,” Bucky pleads back, “it’s not gonna be easy.” Bucky knows it’s going to be hellish. He can’t sleep. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s back there. And every time he thinks he’s back there, all he wants to do is fight back and lash out and scream. He can’t have Steve bearing that burden. Bucky spaces out too much in the day, he gets pulled back into that place, into that darkness. He isn’t even sure if this is real.

“Bucky, I don’t care if it’s not gonna be easy, I’ll be with you.”

This is what they vowed, after all. And even before that, Steve was willing to do it. Steve loves Bucky and he loves him too much to let him do this by himself.

But Bucky loves Steve too much to hold him back from life.

Bucky uncurls his arm from Steve’s waist and brings his hand to cup Steve’s tear-stained cheek.

“You’re gonna go on, okay? Without me –

Steve cries, “Don’t tell me that!”

Steadfast, Bucky continues, “I’m gonna try to get better, but I don’t know how long it’ll take. I’m not gonna ask you to wait for me.”

Steve lets go of Bucky; he unwinds his arms from Bucky’s neck. He has a myriad of things to say to change Bucky’s mind but the only thing he thinks about is _it’s his choice. This is what Bucky wants._

Bucky reaches for one of Steve’s arms. He clutches onto Steve’s hand. Steve grips Bucky’s hand just as hard.

“I’m sorry, for everything. I’m sorry I went with Natasha. I’m sorry about the screaming and breaking the lamp. I’m sorry I almost hurt you. I can’t ever forgive myself if I hurt you or the kids for real. I just keep thinking, what if one day I get so lost in my head that I won’t be able to tell that it’s you or Eli or Davie who are there with me.

“I know you love me. And I’ll take that with me, and I’ll keep it with me, always. But you gotta let go of me.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t nod. He’s numb. He watches Bucky turn to Elijah.

It hurts to breathe. He stifles the cry in his mouth.

He watches Bucky leave and wants to scream at his retreating back. He gathers Eli and David in his arms and tries to be strong for them. Bucky leaves smiling, but Steve knows him to his bones. It’s a lie of a smile, a display, a façade. Both of their hearts are breaking, saved only from completely shattering by the thought that they are doing what they think is the best for each other.

* * *

The weekend is going to take a toll on him, Steve knows it. Not because it’s been bad, but because it’s been the lightest weekend he’s had in two years. The weekend has been full of laughter, reunion, joy, and love, and Steve doesn’t know how to go back to an incomplete family. He thinks about Sharon as she watches her and Bucky slow dance. They think they’re sly, shooting him smirks and waggling their eyebrows at him. They think they’ll tease him to annoyance, but he can play the game as good as they can. He smiles back, shooting them a genuine grin.

Steve is not a dancer, and he’s already danced obligatorily with Mama Wilson and almost knocked them both out, so he has all the right in the world to refuse a dance with anyone else. David and America are jumping together even though the song is slow. Elijah is carrying Monica and is cradling her to the measured lull of the song. She’s already asleep but her mothers are busy dancing so Elijah is happy to oblige.

Steve starts shaking his head as soon as he sees Sharon approach with her arms out, ready to pull him into dancing. Natasha has commandeered Bucky, and Sharon is on a hunt.

“No, no, no. Absolutely not,” he says, shaking his head fervently.

“Bucky says you’re an amazing dancer.”

Steve shakes his head so furiously he thinks he’s going to break his neck. “That man is a liar.”

“I don’t know,” she sings. “I’m inclined to trust him.”

Steve laughs. “You’ll be regretting that when we’re out there and I’m stepping on your toes.”

“Ha!” She points at him. “C’mon then. Show me what I’ll be regretting.”

Sharon puts out her arm, palm up, waits for Steve. No one is in his corner, and everyone’s eyes are on him, challenging. Steve plays the game.

He puts his hand in hers and lets Sharon drag him to the throng of dancers.

She leads.

Steve steps on her toes four times, but she doesn’t back down. She keeps him at a distance and makes her steps as uncomplicated as possible. Side-to-side, so there’s no chance for Steve to falter.

“You’re not terrible,” she compliments.

Steve rolls his eyes.

“‘Not terrible’ is not the same as ‘amazing’,” Steve counters and then Sharon rolls her eyes.

“Maybe it’s because you’re not dancing with the right partner.”

Steve narrows his eyes at her insinuation. She’s up to something. They’re all up to something.

“Yeah? If you ask him, he won’t admit it, but I’ve broken his toes more times than one.”

Sharon looks over at Bucky (and Nat). Then she stares back at Steve. They are both still swaying left and right, like they’re in high school and no one knows how to truly dance.

“Still him, huh?”

Steve wants to profess that if he allows himself to really be truthful, it has always been Bucky.

He frowns at her. He doesn’t want to make her feel bad; she doesn’t deserve to feel bad.

He nods, ever so slightly. He doesn’t want to add anything more to that, because what he’s had with her for the past three months has been great. Steve cannot, does not want to compare them with the years he’s had with Bucky; it is not fair to either of them.

Steve’s ready for anger, but he should’ve known really, what with the way Sharon and Bucky look like they’ve been conspiring together during their dance, that she’s not going to be wrathful.

Sharon gives him a confident and proud smile. Her eyes are kind.

“Good.”

Steve stumbles on his feet and almost falls but she’s got an incredible grip on him. She doesn’t let him drop.

“Good catch,” Steve says, lamely.

“I am,” she says back, winking at him. She is. She’s good.

The song finally ends, and Sharon lets him free. He bows at her and goes back to where he’d been sitting. Natasha takes his place.

David comes over and fights his way into Steve’s arms, which isn’t truly a fight because Steve opens his arms to welcome his son into an embrace. Steve hefts David into the cradle of his arms and it isn’t even a minute until David’s softly snoring. Steve stays on the swing for a while. Eventually, Elijah comes to sit by him. Monica is back in Maria’s arms. Elijah rests his head on Steve’s shoulder, and then his heavy-lidded eyes are closing too.

It’s been a day.

America’s guests start saying goodbye around six p.m. Steve doesn’t wake the boys, but Mama Wilson places a kiss on each of their heads, even Steve’s, when she leaves. Maria and Carol ask Steve to let Elijah know how much they appreciate him taking care of Monica. Steve flashes them a smile and nods his head.

Steve knows eventually the boys must be awakened so they can properly go to bed, but he really doesn’t want them to be disturbed. Sam can see him go through his dilemma and solves it for Steve.

Sam lays out a picnic blanket by the couch swing, and pads the blanket with big pillows. Steve _did_ promise camping. Bucky comes over and gently nudges Elijah awake. Elijah blearily looks around him, noting the blanket and the smell of campfire, and Riley bringing out S’mores ingredients. Bucky tells him that he has to change into his pajamas first before they can really start the fun. Steve does the same with David in his arms. Then the brothers are up and at ‘em, bounding up the stairs inside to change. Steve and Bucky follow them inside, and part ways as Steve goes upstairs, and Bucky makes his way to the basement.

* * *

Bucky is usually more perceptive, but the euphoria of getting to spend time with his children under his beloved skies has perhaps dulled his senses a bit because it’s too late when he notices that Sharon and Nat are on his bed. Okay, they’re technically not doing anything except talking, but it’s still too intimate for Bucky to just casually ignore it.

He fast tracks it, grabbing his whole duffel bag and scrambling up the stairs.

“Sorry!” He shouts back to them as he ascends the stairs and hears them loudly laughing at him.

He hadn’t expected them to be quite so quick, but that’s their business, not his. His only duty is to be happy for them, because it looks like they’re impossibly happy together.

Bucky finds the bathroom and changes there instead. He zips up his duffel and places it somewhere else for the meantime.

When he gets back out to the backyard, a tent has been pitched, but everyone is either on the swing or the blanket. All three kids are on the blanket, stuffing their faces with S’mores. Riley is setting up his telescope. Sam is on the blanket too, being used as a pillow despite the presence of real ones. The spot on the couch swing beside Steve is empty. Bucky knows it is empty by design. So he makes his way there. Steve looks up at him, watches him sit down. Bucky looks back at him. For the first time this weekend, he really looks at Steve and records how he’s changed, how he’s stayed the same.

Bucky looks at Steve, two years older, and thinks: it doesn’t matter what has changed; what remains the same is that Bucky loves Steve, has always loved him, and will always love him.

Bucky watches the way Steve’s lips curl up into a smile, the way his eyes crinkle, the way his breath evens out, and he knows that Steve feels the same way.

* * *

When the kids are taking turns on the telescope, Steve is looking straight up at the sky. All of his attention is towards the twinkling lights above them.

Steve thinks about Polaris, the North Star, the guiding star, Bucky's favorite.  _Polaris is a triple star system._

Steve thinks, _Bucky-Elijah-David._

* * *

Steve and Bucky don’t talk. Not yet.

They fall into conversation with Sam and Riley, and they answer questions from the children when necessary. They exchange looks and smiles, but they don’t talk. Not until everyone else has gone to sleep. The four of them are inside the pitched tent. Bucky and Steve have David and Elijah between them, fast asleep.

Bucky and Steve face each other as they watch their children dream. Bucky is propped up on his right arm and Steve mirrors him.

“Do you remember,” Bucky breaks the silence with a whisper and a fond smile, “when you fought the whole varsity football team?”

Steve raises an eyebrow, “Not that I want to relive _those_ glory days, but yeah, sure. I got my ass handed to me. I remember.”

Bucky shakes his head, chuckling softly. “Maybe. But you won that fight. They got suspended for feeling so entitled that they thought they could get away with harassing girls.

“Do you remember,” Bucky continues, “when you beat up Rollins at the beach? ‘Cause he was taking creepy pictures of girls?”

Steve nods, that funny confusion still on his face. “Yeah, he gave me two black eyes.”

Bucky shakes his head again. _Why does Steve remember those details?_

“Yeah, but everyone felt safer knowing that he’d been doing that and then you got him banned because of it.”

Steve narrows his eyes. “What is this about?”

Bucky lets his arm drop and rolls onto his back. Steve does not follow him. He watches Bucky closely.

Bucky doesn’t say anything further.

Steve’s heart suddenly races. He can’t decipher what Bucky’s intentions are with the conversation.

Steve lowers his head, “I’m sorry.”

Bucky shoots up and then worries over accidentally waking up the boys, but they are still fast asleep. Now, Bucky is the one confused.

“I’m sorry,” Steve repeats. “I didn’t fight you hard enough, when you wanted to leave. I should have. I should have followed you or something. I didn’t fight hard enough for us.”

“Steve –” Bucky interjects, his voice low. “You’re misreading this. I know you. You are a fighter; you would have fought to the end of the world for us. And I would have fought back, as I was then. It would have ended in disaster. I want to thank you for letting me go, even when I knew you didn’t really want to. That was the point. You keep thinking about getting your ass beat or getting those black eyes. But I remember watching you, seeing you, and thinking, _he’s a hero and I would follow him for as long as he’ll let me._ ” Bucky props himself up again on his arm so he’s looking straight at Steve. So Steve knows that what Bucky is saying is the whole truth.

“I’m good. I’m healing. I’m sorry I made you think that you couldn’t help me. That wasn’t my intention. I wanted to do it on my own; I wanted to go through it without burdening you. And I’m sorry I didn’t give you any choice.

“I love you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you and Eli and Davie.”

Bucky shifts again, taking out something from his pocket. It’s his wedding ring on a simple silver chain. He holds it out for Steve.

“If you want me, I’m here. If you don’t…”

Steve snatches the chain from Bucky’s hand.

Steve doesn’t say anything else. He clutches the ring and the chain in his hand and turns away from Bucky.

 _That’s that_ , Bucky thinks and lets out a shaky breath.

* * *

Steve turns away and cries. The ring and the chain are warm in his hand; he clutches on like they are a lifeline.

He hears Bucky’s trembling breath. Steve shuts his eyes and forces himself to sleep. Steve’s versed in silent crying from all those times he didn’t want the boys to worry. He holds the ring close to his heart. _I love you_ , Bucky had said.

Steve keeps his eyes closed even when he hears Bucky rustling around, when he hears the tent open and close. He counts to ten after and then opens his eyes to confirm that Bucky is no longer in the tent with them. He counts to five and then follows suit.

Bucky is just a few meters away. He’s staring up at the darkness. Not darkness. At the limitless expanse of far-away stars burning strong enough to illuminate and feed the fire of the human heart.

_Polaris. Bucky-Elijah-David._

Bucky’s back is turned to Steve and Steve slowly but surely approaches him. He places a gentle hand on Bucky’s shoulder, keeps him turned away.

Steve draws closer, his chest to Bucky’s back. He loosens the chain from his clasped hand. He detaches the lock. He drags the chain across Bucky’s neck so that the ring sits safely, properly, over Bucky's chest. Steve pulls the chain just so. He locks it, makes sure it’s secured. He locks his arms over Bucky’s torso and squeezes tight. He rests his head against Bucky’s shoulder and whispers into the night sky, into the green earth, into Bucky’s skin like it will absorb and remember his words for eternity.

“I love you. I am with you. I want you with me.”

Steve lets go just enough for Bucky to turn around properly and kiss him.

Steve is calm and happy. He has his arms around Bucky’s neck, pulling Bucky’s body flush against him; he doesn’t want Bucky to be apart from him ever again. Steve’s tears are falling, his head nuzzled into the junction of Bucky’s neck and shoulders. He’s crying, laughing, telling Bucky how much he misses him. Steve is trembling. Bucky has his one good arm around Steve’s waist, pulling Steve into him with the same desire for closeness, affirming his feelings with every loving kiss against Steve’s lips. Bucky is whispering back with sure words. _I’m still in love with you. I want to be with you, to love you, be loved by you. We’ll go on._

“Together.”

* * *

_"I love you the night sky, the green earth, the blue ocean, the red sun, the bright stars, the universe.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this the end..
> 
> hmmm...
> 
> PS i just wanna give a special shoutout to the people who were commenting while i was writing/posting this whole series because i was literally writing this on the fly and i didnt even know if i was going to be able to finish it. but the comments kept me going so thank you!


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